If programming languages were medieval characters

Jan 10 2018

100% a joke, not representative of actual opinions, etc.

  • C: You are a woods bandit. You roam the land without restriction, climbing trees and rustling RAMs. Your life is carefree until you are killed by a stray ->.
  • C++: You are still a woods bandit, but a classy one, like Robin Hood. Your band has a number of weird rituals, and those who refuse to follow them are cast out to join the C-bandits. Some miss that freedom, while others love the unique pomp and ceremony of inducting new members. While you might consider yourself higher-class, you’re still a bandit at heart.
  • Rust: You are a monk. Strict discipline keeps you safe but limits you: you cannot own anything, merely borrow it for a time. The head monk, Brother Borrow-Checker, enforces this rule, and to join the order you must fight him. You spend much time in debate over nightly revelations.
  • LISP: You are a Buddhist monk, adherent of a tradition older than time. You spend your life in contemplation of the Wheel of Eval-Apply, bringing you ever closer to the Great Lambda. Your temples are strange and beautiful.
  • Haskell: You are a desert hermit. Having rejected monastic orders as far too worldly, you moved to the desert in a quest for utmost purity. Sometimes you glimpse a higher meta-plane, a land of pure computation beyond the grasp of mortals, but that might just be the peyote.
  • Java: You are a priest. You do everything with ceremony, even saying “hello”. You preach adherence to the design patterns of our forefathers. Your “run-anywhere” religion has spread far and wide. The locals revere you as an Oracle, with some merchants convinced you are the answer to everything. You profit handsomely from their tithes.
  • Python: You are a local innkeeper. Many love you for your friendly demeanor and welcoming ways, while others wonder at your insistence at calling yourself “benevolent-dictator-for-life” and locking the whole inn at a time.
  • Python 3: You are the innkeeper’s son. You spend your time learning his trade and waiting for him to retire. Any day now…
  • Ruby: You run the competing inn across town. You do good business, though you sometimes wonder whether it’s really your daughter Rails (child of a passing Hanson prince) that the patrons love.
  • CSS: You are a painter. You spend your time mixing complementary colors and getting the shadows just right.
  • Prolog: You are a Vulcan in disguise. Occasionally you can get humans to understand you, but you’re starting to believe they’re just not ready for your advanced knowledge.
  • Assembler: You are a peasant. You spend your time grubbing in the dirt, doing everything by hand. You are the foundation of society: no one else could exist without you.
  • VHDL: You are a blacksmith. You laugh when people say assembler-peasants are the foundation of society.
  • Go: You are a prosperous merchant, living in a house your company built. You make your living on channel shipping. Life is good, especially because someone takes out the garbage for you.
  • SQL: You are a carpenter. Your hand-carved columns are things of beauty. If you get your JOINs wrong, your tables collapse.
  • Perl: You are a wandering prophet. Though scruffy and often incoherent, many have chosen to follow your hedonistic “more than one way to do it” philosophy. Many deride you as incomprehensible and consider your love for magic sigils more than a little suspect.
  • LaTeX: You are a printer with an extremely complex and fiddly letter-press. Sometimes it explodes for no reason, shooting letters through the wall. Luckily, a large group of alchemists are your devoted customers and will rely on you no matter what, even putting up with the funny way you write your name.

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